I feel bad today. Not physically, mentally, or emotionally ... just bad.
Every few weeks we have a satsang. I was supposed to go, but did not. Actually, it has been happening a lot lately that a certain avoidance of these things is creeping upon me. Not because of the desire to bunk participation, but because of a desire for more than just this.
When I took part in the 7-day Inner Engineering program, it was due to several reasons. First, this man, Jaggi, was saying things that were the core belief of an atheist (I know, oxymoron alert, but even atheists have beliefs). I could not imagine a bigger contradiction. How could an enlightened being agree with an atheist. And yet, there he is saying the very things I had deduced (or concluded). "Too good to be true" was my first impression. Then I started reading his books and only after that (around three months) did I decide to go for Inner Engineering.
I have never been social so one of the things in the program is they ask participants to come up and speak about how the day went after what they had been taught the day before. I spoke only on the last day. What I said, to paraphrase, was, "I came here looking for some way out of my inner darkness. Life never made sense to me but I was never afraid of it. Disgusted, tired, fed up, angry ... lots of things, but never afraid. Yet after these seven days, I am afraid. I had no way before and now that I see the way I am afraid, I am very afraid."
Of course, this was said to strangers so they just heard me say "fear." They did not have the capacity to understand the reason for that fear.
It is like an owl or a bat, or any creature adapted to the dark, is suddenly placed in brilliant light. The result is blindness. You are not used to the light. You do not possess the faculty to process light. Darkness is all you know. Conversely, someone who is used to light can go into an epileptic fit if the light moves too fast. So it is not about light or dark, anything that changes can play havoc with your senses.
Things are happening that I cannot explain and after my teachings (teachings because I have yet to fully learn what is being taught; teaching happened? yes; learning happened? uh.. going on) I cannot ignore or reject as I previously did. The true changes I am not supposed to talk about because it tends to give people a certain orientation for their own experiences. However, there are certain physical manifestations that are just mind boggling and I cannot accept them, though I keep trying.
Since I moved here in 2008, I have been putting part of my food out for the birds or whatever else. My initial thought was that the peacocks would come, but they never did. My offerings are not their approved list of foods probably :). Crows always come regardless of what you put out. I do not know how many of you have actually looked at a crow because they are shy of humans. In my case after a few weeks I could not even step out on to my balcony because the moment they saw me, they came swooping down. "Whoooo! This guy is going to place something on the ledge," was their expectation.
A crow has only one expression. It always looks angry (at least to me). Always a frown and acting as if trying to say, "WELL?" Today, I had just stepped out and one of the oldest crows (the newer generation is not used to me yet) swooped down and started looking at me up and down, like a policeman looking at a potential, or known, criminal. It kept looking at me and something inside just went poof. It took a fraction of time but the thought ran through me: "Three years you have been feeding them and you do not even know what they are. You do not love them. You do not even like their faces. So why do they keep coming to you? Just for food? No. Even if you do not give them anything for a month, every time you step out, they will come with their angry faces. What is this?" I had no answer. I just brought out some things I keep to feed them and poured it out because that angry face was still scanning me. A few hours later I went out again. There was an Alto parked and there was something underneath it, I do not know what. A few dogs were trying to get whatever was down there. Most were wagging their tails but one in the group, an aggressive chappie who always looks at me with suspicion when I am off to work at 6:40 a.m., was growling. You know how dogs growl without opening their mouths. It is not "Grrr!", but rather "Rrrr." So this dog is doing the "rrr" thing. Every time he growled I felt my stomach vibrating. At first I thought, "Oops, gas. Potty time." Then it happened again and again and I am standing there thinking, why is a dog's growling causing my naval area to vibrate. What connection could there be? What logic? I am just standing there like Lord Emsworth and going, "Eh, what?"
Things like these are happening and I have no idea why. I see birds flying across and I am in peril to smash my bike into something. I look at the night sky and I want to jump into it. A bee buzzes past me and I feel like asking it to wait and thank it for giving my skin some accelerated air. A cockroach walks across my bathroom and I want to ask it where it has been all winter. "Long time, no see, eh?"
My original idea with Inner Engineering was that peace is this way. Then I read in Mystic Musings that a guru is not there to offer comfort or peace. He is there to destroy everything you falsely believe is you and show you who you really are. And that involves pain.
There is a sense of tremendous pressure inside. Something is there that does not want to be contained in this body. And the body is fighting. I do not know how to say this. I want that pressure to burst out of its limitations and be free but some part of me is fighting to stop that from happening.
I have read several more books and I keep listening to Sadhguru, but I find no explanation. And I am afraid to burst. Yet, I want to.
In January, I made phone calls like crazy. My average phone bill before was around 200-300. In January and February it was around 1200-1500. I just wanted to reach out and now I am back to the 200-300 range.
Believe me, I thought about this a lot and I realized that people only want to talk. They do not want to communicate. So slowly I pulled myself back. I am going back to my silent self because there is hardly anyone who wants communication. Everyone just wants to talk. I do not get that. Talking is a means of communicating. How can anyone talk without communication? And yet that is what everyone is doing. It never bothered me before because my mouth was tightly shut no matter what, but now that I realize the power of speech, this incessant me, me, me, me ... it is intolerable.
I am dashed seriously considering going to the ashram and living there as a student.
Seriously.
As Van Helsing in Bram Stoker's Dracula said (not verbatim, as you know), "The bitter water must be crossed before we reach the sweet."
So far it was just crossing, but now I know the bitter water from the sweet. And something inside me does not like that distinction.
Oh well, like Lord Emsworth would say if anything unexpected happened, "Eh, what?" And a few moments later, "Oh, alright, alright, alright! Oh alright."
Every few weeks we have a satsang. I was supposed to go, but did not. Actually, it has been happening a lot lately that a certain avoidance of these things is creeping upon me. Not because of the desire to bunk participation, but because of a desire for more than just this.
When I took part in the 7-day Inner Engineering program, it was due to several reasons. First, this man, Jaggi, was saying things that were the core belief of an atheist (I know, oxymoron alert, but even atheists have beliefs). I could not imagine a bigger contradiction. How could an enlightened being agree with an atheist. And yet, there he is saying the very things I had deduced (or concluded). "Too good to be true" was my first impression. Then I started reading his books and only after that (around three months) did I decide to go for Inner Engineering.
I have never been social so one of the things in the program is they ask participants to come up and speak about how the day went after what they had been taught the day before. I spoke only on the last day. What I said, to paraphrase, was, "I came here looking for some way out of my inner darkness. Life never made sense to me but I was never afraid of it. Disgusted, tired, fed up, angry ... lots of things, but never afraid. Yet after these seven days, I am afraid. I had no way before and now that I see the way I am afraid, I am very afraid."
Of course, this was said to strangers so they just heard me say "fear." They did not have the capacity to understand the reason for that fear.
It is like an owl or a bat, or any creature adapted to the dark, is suddenly placed in brilliant light. The result is blindness. You are not used to the light. You do not possess the faculty to process light. Darkness is all you know. Conversely, someone who is used to light can go into an epileptic fit if the light moves too fast. So it is not about light or dark, anything that changes can play havoc with your senses.
Things are happening that I cannot explain and after my teachings (teachings because I have yet to fully learn what is being taught; teaching happened? yes; learning happened? uh.. going on) I cannot ignore or reject as I previously did. The true changes I am not supposed to talk about because it tends to give people a certain orientation for their own experiences. However, there are certain physical manifestations that are just mind boggling and I cannot accept them, though I keep trying.
Since I moved here in 2008, I have been putting part of my food out for the birds or whatever else. My initial thought was that the peacocks would come, but they never did. My offerings are not their approved list of foods probably :). Crows always come regardless of what you put out. I do not know how many of you have actually looked at a crow because they are shy of humans. In my case after a few weeks I could not even step out on to my balcony because the moment they saw me, they came swooping down. "Whoooo! This guy is going to place something on the ledge," was their expectation.
A crow has only one expression. It always looks angry (at least to me). Always a frown and acting as if trying to say, "WELL?" Today, I had just stepped out and one of the oldest crows (the newer generation is not used to me yet) swooped down and started looking at me up and down, like a policeman looking at a potential, or known, criminal. It kept looking at me and something inside just went poof. It took a fraction of time but the thought ran through me: "Three years you have been feeding them and you do not even know what they are. You do not love them. You do not even like their faces. So why do they keep coming to you? Just for food? No. Even if you do not give them anything for a month, every time you step out, they will come with their angry faces. What is this?" I had no answer. I just brought out some things I keep to feed them and poured it out because that angry face was still scanning me. A few hours later I went out again. There was an Alto parked and there was something underneath it, I do not know what. A few dogs were trying to get whatever was down there. Most were wagging their tails but one in the group, an aggressive chappie who always looks at me with suspicion when I am off to work at 6:40 a.m., was growling. You know how dogs growl without opening their mouths. It is not "Grrr!", but rather "Rrrr." So this dog is doing the "rrr" thing. Every time he growled I felt my stomach vibrating. At first I thought, "Oops, gas. Potty time." Then it happened again and again and I am standing there thinking, why is a dog's growling causing my naval area to vibrate. What connection could there be? What logic? I am just standing there like Lord Emsworth and going, "Eh, what?"
Things like these are happening and I have no idea why. I see birds flying across and I am in peril to smash my bike into something. I look at the night sky and I want to jump into it. A bee buzzes past me and I feel like asking it to wait and thank it for giving my skin some accelerated air. A cockroach walks across my bathroom and I want to ask it where it has been all winter. "Long time, no see, eh?"
My original idea with Inner Engineering was that peace is this way. Then I read in Mystic Musings that a guru is not there to offer comfort or peace. He is there to destroy everything you falsely believe is you and show you who you really are. And that involves pain.
There is a sense of tremendous pressure inside. Something is there that does not want to be contained in this body. And the body is fighting. I do not know how to say this. I want that pressure to burst out of its limitations and be free but some part of me is fighting to stop that from happening.
I have read several more books and I keep listening to Sadhguru, but I find no explanation. And I am afraid to burst. Yet, I want to.
In January, I made phone calls like crazy. My average phone bill before was around 200-300. In January and February it was around 1200-1500. I just wanted to reach out and now I am back to the 200-300 range.
Believe me, I thought about this a lot and I realized that people only want to talk. They do not want to communicate. So slowly I pulled myself back. I am going back to my silent self because there is hardly anyone who wants communication. Everyone just wants to talk. I do not get that. Talking is a means of communicating. How can anyone talk without communication? And yet that is what everyone is doing. It never bothered me before because my mouth was tightly shut no matter what, but now that I realize the power of speech, this incessant me, me, me, me ... it is intolerable.
I am dashed seriously considering going to the ashram and living there as a student.
Seriously.
As Van Helsing in Bram Stoker's Dracula said (not verbatim, as you know), "The bitter water must be crossed before we reach the sweet."
So far it was just crossing, but now I know the bitter water from the sweet. And something inside me does not like that distinction.
Oh well, like Lord Emsworth would say if anything unexpected happened, "Eh, what?" And a few moments later, "Oh, alright, alright, alright! Oh alright."
