Obsession

It is quite likely that nearly everyone has had the experience of having heard that it is a bad thing. However, is it possible to be entirely sure that such is the case?

I wish I could confidently state whether last night was a moment of unbidden clarity or just an insomnia riddled mind wandering through its own cobweb infested corridors. It is the sort of thing that usually manifests itself when thoughts go freewheeling without pattern or definition. When the body prays for rest and the mind retorts, "Rest? What the devil do you mean rest? I am like the heart. I rest, you die."

So walking through that semi-opaque fog, a space opened up briefly, allowing the vision to gallop far and wide instead of the halting uncertainty that hinders progress through all manner of fogs.

It is easy to call something an obsession. Indeed, it is not merely easy, more often than not it is the most convenient label to tack on to some things in other people.

But what if you stop a moment and actually consider the matter. Somewhere deep inside there sits this mechanism that we call instinct. A wholesome yet not always reliable entity that seems to be completely independent from logic and causality. It does not reason, it leaps. The mind may think a myriad things in a flash and still continue routine tasks, but instinct has a speed that could make light envious if a competition ever arose between the two.

That, however, is an insufficient explanation. Instinct does not work over decades (not mine anyway). There is something deeper. An understanding which, like instinct, is free from so-called reality because reality is only that which is now. This thing, whatever it might be, is so primal and seems (repeat, seems) to have gone overlooked for so long that no one ever bothered bestowing a moniker on it.

It resembles instinct so closely that apart from the anomaly of the temporal distance over which the two work they might be one. The closest analog that comes to mind is a microscope and telescope, one sees near and the other far, and no one can see too near or too far without their aid.

So this thing creates a strong push towards something, a push that can outlive the corrosive power of time itself. One might struggle with it now and then (eventually everything involves some sort of struggle, I guess), but though it may quiet down, it never truly goes away. Time passes, the push reasserts itself. Again and again until it turns into a kind of dull ache that you simply learn to live with.

The pattern seems so meaningless and yet sometimes a glimpse will flit by suggesting it is perhaps not so bereft of said quality after all.

This invisible push appears to have been steering a course in the background of life that might have led to different vistas if certain things had fallen into different slots (which, of course, they did not and now they cannot). A strange push that pushes back all the harder if you try to push back. A push that starts sending out warning signals as if some sort of instinct inhabiting it had indicated that allotted time was going by too fast. "Get it done quick", it warns in haste, "you idled away for so long without heeding me and now there is precious little time left. But whatever is left, do be quick."

The more this pattern is observed, the more clarity descends on the truth that it is quite likely we know more than we think we know. Not something nascent but rather something ancient with the amassed wisdom of all the time it has been around. Something that knows where we tend to doubt. Something that does while we hesitate. Something that is always where we merely pass through.

So the question that arises is whether it is an obsession if someone is unknowingly following this push, not even knowing there is a push, only this insatiable mad drive for an unknown something (well, there might be concrete objects too).

I feel that we need to rethink the concept of obsession just like at one time we had to rethink the concept of possession.

The most terrible thing is that damn fog. Its windows blink. Hardly is there time for complete coherence when the window shuts back down, again leaving you floundering till the next blink.

Oh well.

Delusions of grandeur

Remember that scene from Star Wars where Han says to Luke, "Don't get cocky kid."?

Seven months ago I started my spiritual journey thinking it was a blast. I was finally getting the answers no one had been able to provide.

Well, those seven months just turned into one big joke. Yet again, I have been reminded of the perils of sticking too close to the body-idea of life. The funny thing is, I thought I had crossed that point and reached a place where I could achieve an objectivity only given to meditators or people who have transcended the physical. Boy, was I wrong.

It is not that something has to happen to you personally. An isolated event which by rights ought not to affect you at all can completely shatter your sense of whoever-you-think-you-are. It is as if you are  a leaf floating on water and somebody tosses a rock several feet from where you are. The core of violence is far away but the agitation still reaches you, shaking you out of your complacency.

I wish I could sound like I am not complaining, but words are insufficient for such expressions. I am not complaining, rather, merely stating the obvious.

Drastic changes in my life have come about thanks to Sadhguru, but those changes are not enough. My relationships, friendships, professional abilities have all skyrocketed, yet I feel terribly lost. Because I am not yet fully cognizant of who I am. There was some bleak assumption on my part when I started doing my kriya but that is no more. All the changes that I so gladly welcomed into my life were only outward. Inside, it is my misfortune to realize now, I am still the same fool embodying this piece of earth that I was, albeit, minus a few quirks that bothered other people more than me. I have not changed at all.

The realization of one's own inadequacy and the inability to see it in time is the only reason why someone would come up with a term like "delusions of grandeur." The man who seeks to accomplish something material is a mere "also ran" in that category when compared to the man who tried to find himself only to find out that he had assumed he actually had.


When one's strengths turn out to be mere obstinacy. When one's beliefs turn out to be mere fantasies. When one's whole approach to life turns out to be a mistake. After that, there is only one conclusion. Laddie, go back and start from scratch because whatever you thought you had learned, you haven't. You have just gathered a bunch of information that looks like knowledge. It might, in truth, be knowledge, but you have yet to "get it."


It is like they used to teach us in computer class, data is information presented in an organized way. Alas, in the realm of yoga, mere data is not enough. Organization of information is great. It is fun to get the "data" of life, but the thing does not stop there. It is insufficient merely to process the data with this mortal intellect. What is needed is to transcend to the point where the data comes alive and speaks to you - through you. 

However, that is simultaneously the peril and advantage of being human. A peril because it can bind you to things that do not matter. An advantage because only a human can realize the bondage and has the capability to break free from it. So, as far as realizing the bondage and attempting to be free, I am that much ahead of the game, but it is not enough. Serious purpose is still lacking.

I looked on my spiritual process as a good job or something, like "easy street here I come." But that darn street is anything but easy. If one seriously puts one's mind to it, progressing spiritually is more difficult than coining money in a slump economy. Seriously!

Last August I got a new roommate where I live. He aptly fit the old adage about fat people being jolly people. He was both obese and jolly. And after a few drinks (more like a whole bottle daily), he was too dashed jolly. I could not wake up at 3 in the morning to take a piss without him clinking a whiskey-glass at me and asking (in Punjabi), "Are you going to office tomorrow, or can we have a few quick ones?" I used to mentally mutter to myself, "It is 3 o'clock, dash it, go to sleep." And verbally to him (also in Punjabi), "Uh, yes, office." That is in the pre-Sadhguru era.

Then I started doing my kriya and he was like (in Punjabi of course), "Oh! I have lost my drinking partner." And around April he said, in the same language, I really don't like parenthesis, "I have lost my chicken partner."

Well, you know what it is like when two men get drunk and share the same room. We could not do anything else, so we talked. We swapped our life histories as we saw fit and by the end of one month, September last year, we were, as the saying goes, thick as thieves if not thicker.

The previous Sunday, July 15, that blighter put me properly and precisely in the spot when he suffered a brain hemorrhage and went into a coma, finally expiring on Thursday morning.

One incident, and I lost all my spirituality. I realized that I am still firmly embedded in the material world and have made no progress. There is information to spare and then more. I have read books which, if I had seen people reading previously, I would have registered mental scorn at, and they all say the same thing. The body is temporary. Life is eternal. This data has yet to descend into my consciousness.

But, as the Bible says, "Out of evil, cometh good." That sounds a bit harsh, so let us paraphrase. "Out of everything that one perceives as negative, there is something positive can be harvested."

Right now I am in the process of reading Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramhansa Yogananda. The man's life is nothing short of a miracle.

It is a miracle that at this point of spiritual turmoil, my own guru, with countless demands on his time, chooses to come of his own choice to Delhi. In one week my humble, bumble, confused self will be in his presence. What I had to learn, if I have failed to learn, perhaps through his grace, I finally will.

Shambho.

Not quite there, but a bit towards

My mind is a total blank right now. In terms of yoga, that is a very good thing, provided the mind is blank and aware at the same time. Technically, it is not blank because there are a few things rattling around in there even now, but for all practical purposes it is, because there is nothing worthwhile going on. It is in "rambling" mode. Well, heck, that is how it is most of the time, but for some reason today feels different. It feels like having penetrated the field of unchecked boredom and emerging out at the other end. Now, even boredom is behind one. There is a certain wackiness in being like this. Something inside is always hankering for the normalcy that is the space of play between bouts of being bored. However, you cannot trade this position for the earlier one, quite simply because that was utter nonsense that had been granted normal status just because the majority indulged in it.

So here we are, enjoying half a chunk of do-nothing-ism  Half a chunk because it has not yet fully sunk in. One could just be, but that requires additional maturity and that in turn requires waaaaaay too much work to happen so quickly.

Fortunately, it is happening at a good time because I am verging very close to a relapse. When you alter your perspective as rapidly as I did, there is a danger of not stopping at the opposite end and come full circle, back where you started. This inertia stuff is simply too powerful. Like trying to turn on your heel in zero gravity, one miscalculation and you might end up spinning like a top (not to mention utterly disoriented because in zero g you might be moving any which way mass moves).

According to most experienced meditators that I have spoken to, such a phase is inevitable in most cases. When you are a creature of the "cause and effect" species, the absence of effect will inevitably lead to questioning the cause, thus making one question whether what is being done is right or even necessary. The only apparent solution is to stick to it. In effect, this is the acid test of one's ability to abandon the effect and simply keep performing the cause. Even if nothing happens, you keep doing what needs to be done. The longer nothing happens, the better it will be when something finally does.

Patience, I need patience. And a little sense.

Boredom

Long time, eh? It seems most of my posts begin with "long time, eh?", eh? Oh well.

So, the trip to the ashram was not exactly earth-shattering. I came back pretty much in the same condition as I had gone except for the fatigue and a copper ring shaped as a snake. For three and a half days we were all barefoot and only occasionally got a cushion to sit on. Fortunately there was bedding to sleep on the floor. Close to 150 people, one huge hall, which we left only for eating and toileting needs. The heat, the mosquitoes (I pretty much bathed in Odomos :)), the physical discomfort, no contact with anything outside, just the hall and the garden, and most importantly, the Guru.

The funny thing I realized is that when your body reaches the breaking point, the mind seems to relinquish its grip. You are finally free from all the nagging thoughts that never cease buzzing and reach a mental plane where you can finally sit down and contemplate on what really matters, the truth of your being.

As Sadhguru constantly reminds, "You are not the body, you are not the mind." They are mere tools for your real self to utilize in attaining something much higher than a good mortal experience.

And then I came across a book, "I am That" by Sri Nisargadatta. Reading it is a whole new experience. In Sadhguru's books the answers are presented as flowers being thrown at you. In Sri Nisargadatta's books the same answers come at you like bullets, almost making you wince. The man is what Sadhguru describes how a true guru should be, not giving a damn about the disciple except that he achieves realization.

What is most interesting is that Sri Nisargadatta seems to describe the human chain of events one crazier step beyond quantum theory. According to the latter there are an infinite number of universes existing simultaneously in an infinite number of states and across infinite timelines. Furthermore, there is no relationship between cause and effect. Effect can precede cause or not have any at all and cause may or may not result in effect.

Sri Nisargadatta says that in human life both cause and effect are merely states of consciousness, they have no place in reality.

Which prompts me to blog. Tra la.

Does the human mind mature as we grow or regress? The knowledge that we acquire over the span of our life is an accumulation of what others knew before us. So in a sense, just like we accumulate everything else, so do we accumulate what passes as knowledge. From this point of view, we are not learning anything except to repeat what others have repeated, ad infinitum. And if our life is a sum total of our decisions, thoughts, feelings, and so on - we are merely repeating the lives of others. Where does this leave "my" life?

Our decisions are based on past experience, experience comes through interactions with others, they too are mere repeaters. A newborn infant has but a handful of emotions, emotions are again grown on the field of experience. What passes as thought is again in the grip of experience. We can only process what we perceive through the five senses, and they are bound to the mind and the mind relies on memory, the aggregate of which is experience.

So are we living or merely repeating?

They say that thing about the idle mind being the devil's playground. Could it be that needless activity is also prey to the same symptom? Needless not because it is useless to the physical form but needless as in it keeps us occupied outwards.

This will probably sound all wrong to someone who is yet to look inward but this constant "out" business is quite likely the biggest and long-lasting plague from which humanity is suffering.

My mind (for lack of a better word) is currently churning this constantly. Why cannot a human being just sit and be still with eyes closed for a few minutes a day, a conscious sleep-state, if you will, and engage in doing nothing.

We are constantly complaining of boredom despite all that we have for our so-called entertainment. It looks so obvious to me that no one is bored. People deliberately choose to be in a state of boredom. A state where for some reason they cannot indulge in some kind of activity, even if it is just sitting in front of the telly with nothing on their mind except their scalp.

The need to constantly do something has become so deeply ingrained in what nowadays goes under the pseudonym of human nature that if for even a few moments that need is not fulfilled chaos sets in. A weird sort of chaos where the bored human is utterly befuddled by the question, "what now?"

I am not advocating laziness. However, just as there is physical inertia, there is thought-process inertia. The mind by its nature needs something to work on. Slowing it down from a high speed is a tremendous effort because whatever speed it reaches, it stays there, as it functions in a frictionless and resistance-free environment. In that state if there is nothing to process, it goes nuts. It is not healthy for something to keep going at this pace. When we run, our heart rate goes up. Stop, and it comes down slowly. Now, what if like the mind it just stayed high even when someone is sitting comfortably? How long would the body last.

I am not advocating universal meditativeness either.

The point being conveyed is merely that boredom can be a useful state if utilized properly. In fact, I would say meditation is the ultimate state of boredom, where you mind is not doing one darn thing.

Boredom, when looked at the point of view of not having anything to do as a problem is obviously not a good thing. However, when looked at as an opportunity to consciously, voluntarily, deliberately, and in full awareness to not do anything is a blessing in disguise.

So the next time you are bored, ponder a bit on whether you should ponder at all.

The rapids are exciting as long as you are in the boat. Not so good if you want to dive in. For that you need calmer waters. Boredom is the calm between the rapids. It is the time to dive in and have a cleansing bath :)

Eh, what?

I feel bad today. Not physically, mentally, or emotionally ... just bad.

Every few weeks we have a satsang. I was supposed to go, but did not. Actually, it has been happening a lot lately that a certain avoidance of these things is creeping upon me. Not because of the desire to bunk participation, but because of a desire for more than just this.

When I took part in the 7-day Inner Engineering program, it was due to several reasons. First, this man, Jaggi, was saying things that were the core belief of an atheist (I know, oxymoron alert, but even atheists have beliefs). I could not imagine a bigger contradiction. How could an enlightened being agree with an atheist. And yet, there he is saying the very things I had deduced (or concluded). "Too good to be true" was my first impression. Then I started reading his books and only after that (around three months) did I decide to go for Inner Engineering.

I have never been social so one of the things in the program is they ask participants to come up and speak about how the day went after what they had been taught the day before. I spoke only on the last day. What I said, to paraphrase, was, "I came here looking for some way out of my inner darkness. Life never made sense to me but I was never afraid of it. Disgusted, tired, fed up, angry ... lots of things, but never afraid. Yet after these seven days, I am afraid. I had no way before and now that I see the way I am afraid, I am very afraid."

Of course, this was said to strangers so they just heard me say "fear." They did not have the capacity to understand the reason for that fear.

It is like an owl or a bat, or any creature adapted to the dark, is suddenly placed in brilliant light. The result is blindness. You are not used to the light. You do not possess the faculty to process light. Darkness is all you know. Conversely, someone who is used to light can go into an epileptic fit if the light moves too fast. So it is not about light or dark, anything that changes can play havoc with your senses.

Things are happening that I cannot explain and after my teachings (teachings because I have yet to fully learn what is being taught; teaching happened? yes; learning happened? uh.. going on) I cannot ignore or reject as I previously did. The true changes I am not supposed to talk about because it tends to give people a certain orientation for their own experiences. However, there are certain physical manifestations that are just mind boggling and I cannot accept them, though I keep trying.

Since I moved here in 2008, I have been putting part of my food out for the birds or whatever else. My initial thought was that the peacocks would come, but they never did. My offerings are not their approved list of foods probably :). Crows always come regardless of what you put out. I do not know how many of you have actually looked at a crow because they are shy of humans. In my case after a few weeks I could not even step out on to my balcony because the moment they saw me, they came swooping down. "Whoooo! This guy is going to place something on the ledge," was their expectation.

A crow has only one expression. It always looks angry (at least to me). Always a frown and acting as if trying to say, "WELL?" Today, I had just stepped out and one of the oldest crows (the newer generation is not used to me yet) swooped down and started looking at me up and down, like a policeman looking at a potential, or known, criminal. It kept looking at me and something inside just went poof. It took a fraction of time but the thought ran through me: "Three years you have been feeding them and you do not even know what they are. You do not love them. You do not even like their faces. So why do they keep coming to you? Just for food? No. Even if you do not give them anything for a month, every time you step out, they will come with their angry faces. What is this?" I had no answer. I just brought out some things I keep to feed them and poured it out because that angry face was still scanning me. A few hours later I went out again. There was an Alto parked and there was something underneath it, I do not know what. A few dogs were trying to get whatever was down there. Most were wagging their tails but one in the group, an aggressive chappie who always looks at me with suspicion when I am off to work at 6:40 a.m., was growling. You know how dogs growl without opening their mouths. It is not "Grrr!", but rather "Rrrr." So this dog is doing the "rrr" thing. Every time he growled I felt my stomach vibrating. At first I thought, "Oops, gas. Potty time." Then it happened again and again and I am standing there thinking, why is a dog's growling causing my naval area to vibrate. What connection could there be? What logic? I am just standing there like Lord Emsworth and going, "Eh, what?"

Things like these are happening and I have no idea why. I see birds flying across and I am in peril to smash my bike into something. I look at the night sky and I want to jump into it. A bee buzzes past me and I feel like asking it to wait and thank it for giving my skin some accelerated air. A cockroach walks across my bathroom and I want to ask it where it has been all winter. "Long time, no see, eh?"

My original idea with Inner Engineering was that peace is this way. Then I read in Mystic Musings that a guru is not there to offer comfort or peace. He is there to destroy everything you falsely believe is you and show you who you really are. And that involves pain.

There is a sense of tremendous pressure inside. Something is there that does not want to be contained in this body. And the body is fighting. I do not know how to say this. I want that pressure to burst out of its limitations and be free but some part of me is fighting to stop that from happening.

I have read several more books and I keep listening to Sadhguru, but I find no explanation. And I am afraid to burst. Yet, I want to.

In January, I made phone calls like crazy. My average phone bill before was around 200-300. In January and February it was around 1200-1500. I just wanted to reach out and now I am back to the 200-300 range.

Believe me, I thought about this a lot and I realized that people only want to talk. They do not want to communicate. So slowly I pulled myself back. I am going back to my silent self because there is hardly anyone who wants communication. Everyone just wants to talk. I do not get that. Talking is a means of communicating. How can anyone talk without communication? And yet that is what everyone is doing. It never bothered me before because my mouth was tightly shut no matter what, but now that I realize the power of speech, this incessant me, me, me, me ... it is intolerable.

I am dashed seriously considering going to the ashram and living there as a student.

Seriously.

As Van Helsing in Bram Stoker's Dracula said (not verbatim, as you know), "The bitter water must be crossed before we reach the sweet."

So far it was just crossing, but now I know the bitter water from the sweet. And something inside me does not like that distinction.

Oh well, like Lord Emsworth would say if anything unexpected happened, "Eh, what?" And a few moments later, "Oh, alright, alright, alright! Oh alright."

Happen

If all goes well, I am doing it this in April.

Bhava Spandana Program

Purpose

A few posts ago (and, oh, how few) I mentioned about things just "happening." Good or bad does not matter. The lessons are there whether you can grasp them or not.

Yesterday, I was watching the movie, "Hugo" (based on Brian Selznick's novel, The Invention of Hugo Cabret), and in it there were some lines. I am quite a bit ashamed that I have never read the book, but it is alright, because, if I had read it before, it would not have made any sense to me. However, in the movie there is a small sequence where Hugo, the titular character, says this:


I would imagine the whole world was one big machine
Machines never come with any extra parts, you know.
They always come with the exact amount they need
So I figured if the entire world was one big machine....
I could not be an extra part
I had to be here for some reason.

For the first 40 years of my life, I had no purpose besides survival. And survival was just "go through the day, pay rent monthly, pay taxes yearly, avoid all emotional entanglement, get drunk, wake up. Rinse and repeat."

But the real problem is, where does the question of purpose arise from? Why does this whole gambit of purpose ensnare us? Why is it so strong?

For most of my adult life, only once did I ask, "What is my purpose?" and got no answer, my solution was simple. Ignore what you are and have a good time. My erroneous idea of a "good time" was being drunkenly unconscious to what I truly am. Yet, today, this movie prompted me to ask again. What is my purpose here?

What is my purpose here?

Well, that is part of the learning process. It is a very neat divine trick. You are given this life with a purpose, but you have to realize it yourself. No amount of godliness/atheism/good deeds/bad deeds/ ... it does not matter, ultimately it is all you.

I think the most important reason why anything lives is to ask, "Why?" but I am afraid that would be like saying a dog exists only to chase its own tail. But - how happy is the dog chasing its own tail, and how much does that teach us.

A dog's tail is right there. When we see it running around in circles we are amused. Are we so different? We are perfect. We need absolutely no one but to realize that all life, in and of itself, is perfect. So perfect that even god is not required. But we laugh at the dog and take pride in ourselves.

We have come fully equipped. And yet we are unstable. We cannot help chasing our tail. Like dogs we think we are making tremendous progress, but what are we really doing?

All our material achievements are just that. A dog chasing its own tail.

You know the big joke from the movie The Dark Knight where the Joker says to Harvey Dent, "Do I look like a guy with a plan? Do you what I am? I am like a dog chasing cars. I would not know what to do with one if I caught one." Even someone totally bad can have so much clarity.

That is what we have become. Dogs chasing cars. Even if we got the car, what can we do with it? Piss on its tire? So much horsepower, so much comfort, and what can we do? Piss on the tire. Great accomplishment.

Anyhooooo .... coming back to purpose. I just got the thought today that this life is given to us for two very simple "purposes."

1. To ask "what is the purpose," the easy part.

2. To realize that purpose. The difficult part. Difficult only if you cannot accommodate the first part. Once you have assimilated the first, the second flows as easily as milk turning into curd (easy) and then milk turning into butter (a little more work is needed, but possible).

Come to think of it. Assume yourself as grass. You go through the four udders of a cow. Milk. And then, my goodness, the possibilities. Curd, yogurt, butter, purified butter (ghee), lassi, chach, kheer ... endless possibilities, not to mention all the flavors of chocolates.

We are like grass trying to figure out our purpose, but there is some discomfort. A cow has to eat us, digest us four times over. Then someone has to take us out. Then we need to be "processed."

The purpose of life is to realize that just because you are grass does not mean you are tied to the ground. Someone is there, even if it is just an animal, to lift you up and take you to a position where millions of people can enjoy and benefit from you. By the time they are in that position, no vestige of the grass that you are now will be left, but that is irrelevant. You purpose is solved.

There is nothing on this planet with "spare parts." We are absolute beings except for one thing, self realization.

My guru says, "God? Who is god? What you believe, is that god? Am I god? Are you god? Is a blade of grass god? Is a pebble god? Is a rock a bigger god? Is the sun god? Is the air god? Is the sky god?"

The point is it does not matter. All they say about god is true. God is omnipresent. Which means there is nothing in the universe in which god is not present.

Of course, your definition of "god" is quite likely to be different.

My god has only one purpose. The poor sod is patiently waiting for me to come to a state where I can come to sufficient realization and walk up to it and say, "Well? And where have you been all this time?" And it will say, "You incorrigible moron, I was waiting for you."

I know my purpose.

Do you know yours?

Oh well, the purpose of life is to figure out why you have this life.

All else is irrelevant.

It's not a magnet, it's a black hole.

This is not exactly cheerful, but it is important.

Yesterday, I was reading (finishing it actually) the book, "Messages From The Masters," by Dr. Brian Weiss. In it there was an anecdote.

One day, a student of Buddha was meditating when he suddenly could not feel the ground where he was sitting cross-legged. He opened his eyes and saw that his body was floating a few feet from the ground. He got excited, brought himself down, and then ran to Gautama saying, "Master, master! I have learned levitation." Buddha opened his eyes, smiled, and said, "That is very nice, but why did you let it interrupt your meditation?"

In a previous conversation with a fellow meditator, a colleague from my office, Mr. Pandey, he told me that even after you start on the inner path, the outer will not let you go, easily. To illustrate this, he gave me an example from the Gita. Krishna told Arjuna, "Think of yourself as a chariot driven by five horses that are your five sense organs and essentially define your physical existence. These horses are not disciplined. Each one has its own will and wants to go its own way. If this lack of discipline is total, the chariot itself can be wrecked beyond hope (for its current iteration as a chariot)." And there are a few other horses as well. There is ego and desire and a few more subconscious horses. So every human being has like close to ten or dozen horses, all trying to take the chariot where they want. (There are similar examples in Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism - in alphabetical order - saying the same thing). (sorry, about double parenthesis -- This is why addiction is a problem. Whatever you do, in my case EtOH, those horses temporarily align and move in one single direction, and, oh, the joy of it. What clarity can one perceive when the horses are properly aligned. Every problem dissolves and the whole universe says, "All RIGHT, let's party.").

Of course, I did not believe him then, but I do now.

The task of meditation and yoga is to discipline these horses dragging the chariot in different directions as per their whim, unite them in thought and deed, and then travel.

But they are very powerful. They have no sense of discretion. They just see something at a distance and start galloping towards it, regardless of consequence.

Even my guru says that though you have started on the spiritual path, do not assume the material will simply let you go. It will try to suck you back, not like a magnet, but like a black hole. It will tear you apart in its eagerness to make you follow it instead of it following you. However, it will behave like a magnet. A black hole can be cruel. The difference of the gravitational pull across the length of an object being pulled into a black hole can cause the object to be reduced to elementary particles. A magnet is more seductive. It is like life a piece of paper, your true self are iron filings on one side, and your desires as a magnet on the other side. They will not even touch you, but they will change your orientation in undisciplined ways.

And there is no escape. You cannot dissipate your life for forty-plus years, sit down for two months and expect your own tendencies to say, "Oh alright, we give up." They will not. They will scream and shout as if you were murdering yourself and your compassion (not really compassion, but) for yourself will make you give in.

I wish there was another way where I did not have to fight my own self, but I suppose that is the lesson to be learned and I am having difficulty learning it.

The ironical thing is, I know. I know exactly what is happening, but I cannot do anything about it. Either the new thought process is not, well, I do not wish to say powerful, but let us say, it does not have sufficient immediate payload. It is all there and it is vital, but there are no immediate benefits.

I probably sound like a stark-mad raving schizophrenic with multiple minds, but that is how it is.

But I suppose that is how karma works. In a certain sense, it is there and we cannot escape it. It is like a store of energy and we are given a physical plane to dissipate it. It is tricky, if you try to dissipate it, it will fight back.

Not entirely sure, but the changes in me in the past two months must have bred a certain arrogance that I could leave this monster behind and, so to speak, "move on." And that is all the monster needed. It's got me in its grip and I do not know when I will be able to break this grip again. I thought the grip was all there was and I was enjoying it. Then, suddenly, there is more than the grip. I was exultant, said goodbye to the grip, and it got me again.

Life used to be simple. Then it got even simpler. Then it got so simple, one could weep at its simplicity and the needless complications that we have created on this world.

And then it got all complicated again. Back to square one, except with the knowledge that square one is transient. Nothing that happens on square one matters unless it can move on to the infinite. But this one square, square one, the only place we know, it is not a place. It is the core of a black hole. it will want you back.

That is the whole trick. To escape it. And there are no shortcuts.

I thought learning had been achieved and only practice was left, but there is still too much. The irony is that when you truly realize the only thing you realize is how ignorant you were, but the realization of that... there are no words for it yet, at least in my vocabulary.

Everything was going fine, but this self played itself false. Perhaps there is not enough maturity (we mature like wine, the older the better :)), perhaps there is something else that is missing.

I can escape the black hole or my karma, but it is all up to me. However, I am in the grip right now and a bit constricted, so it is not easy to figure out how to put this.

My only solace is a hymn in Sanskrit that is my constant companion written by an enlightened being who only said, "what I am NOT." Unfortunately, my guru says no one in a family situation should ever listen to it because if you have spiritual tendencies you will leave the whole material world behind and become an ascetic. But we have duties, and even our own desire for enlightenment, if it interferes with our normal life, is wrong.

I am devoid of aversion, attachment, greed, delusion, pride, or jealousy.
I am beyond the four major goals of life: righteousness, wealth, pleasure, or liberation.
I am of the form of aliveness, eternal bliss, and auspiciousness.

I am beyond virtues, sins, joy, or sorrow.

I am beyond mantras, pilgrimage, vedas, or yagyas.
I am beyond that which is judgement, what is judged, or the one judging.

I am of the form of aliveness, eternal bliss, auspiciousness.

I wonder when I will reach there. I am impatient. And perhaps that is why I am still here.

The Pendulum

I have a friend in the US. I first met her in Bombay. Most of my friends over there are a result of my employment with Live Wire! BBS. I knew a lot of people back then, but retain contact with a few.

Drunkenness has always been my problem. I can get drunk on anything. Even in my 20s, I was drunk on Asterix, Tintin, and of course, even to this day, Sir Pelham Grenville Wodehouse, KBE. I wish those books were still being written.

Things stick in your head that immediately dissolve all the turmoil going on in that mighty but fallible instrument called the mind. Whether it was Captain Haddock's, "Ten thousand blistering barnacles in a thundering typhoon," or Obelix's, "These Roman's are crazy," or Wodehouse's, "Yes, but, dash it!"

Right now I am thinking of Obelix and his "These Roman's are crazy."

In a conversation with this friend, I once told her, "These humans are crazy."

I enjoy a decently made movie about aliens (if you do not mind a lot of cussing, you should see "Paul," a hilarious take on aliens), but I never really accepted the concept of aliens. Even my science fiction riddled mind could never come to terms with life in some other part of the universe, so at odds with our own, that they could just overwhelm us with fear (or laughter). However, I never felt part of humanity. There was too much difference. "They" and "I" had to have different origins. We did not meet at any point (except after about 60 mL of gin, then everyone was a brother and friend).

So, I told her, "These humans are crazy." In those days there was not much email in India, and certainly no social networking, we just sent the equivalent of an SMS through our 12 Kbps modems and thought it was amazing.

What we had been talking about I cannot exactly remember, but what I do remember is the constantly changing nature of people's demands from life and from each other.

There was no consistency, a thing that always created boundless confusion for me. Everyone seems to have ever-changing demands. You are supposed to follow a god, a religion, an education system, an economic system, a survival system, a social system (no, a social system does not encompass everything), a peer system, and goodness knows how many others. Since I always led a "cut-off" life, I am not sure of what other aspects are there. You can probably quintuple the list if you put your mind to it, but I cannot.

However, within all these systems, if there was a connection point, if it made sense, if it somehow meshed together - perhaps it could be accepted. It is rude to say so, but most people simply live with the system and never question it. That is perhaps the main reason why it works. Not because there is anything right about it, but simply because it is convenient. If water quenches thirst, does it really matter what water is? Yes, It is H20. But when there is thirst, or lack of cleanliness, or heat, does anyone think, "I need a chemical symbolized as H2O."? We only think of the properties of water and not what it is. We take the chemical, mix it around in any number of ways, and use it. Who cares?

But I am at heart a skeptic, even today. I feel compelled to question everything. The only difference is that previously when the answer did not satisfy me, I rejected the entire reason for the question arising, but now I am willing to think, give more consideration, try to understand why I am not satisfied, and even if I am not, trust my instincts that the answer is true even if it does not satisfy.

Anyway, it so happens that people swing. In India, first there were the untouchables, today they have reservations. In the west, women were not allowed to be part of the priesthood and now they are. In the Middle East, women were not allowed to vote and now they are. Holland is the only Roman Catholic country (in terms of majority, there are others faiths living there too) where euthanasia for terminally-ill patients is legal. When Columbus came back the second time to now-America, the natives were enslaved, killed, driven out... etc. and today even they have reservations. You think reservation is a problem in India, just look at what is happening in the dream destination of world.

There was a time when in India, the only country where spiritualism was treated with the respect it deserves, only a portion of the population was engaged in what we now call materialism. And even then the materialist put aside a few moments of his/her daily life and devote it to something that did not involve mere physical survival.

Then came the dreary days of war and conquest where damn near everyone wanted this place. The British got it eventually (so did the Mughal Empire, but its hold was not anywhere close to the Brits'). Spirituality went underground (literally). This has been happening all through the attempts to conquer India but the rest, as they say, is all history. The material happenings are known, but very few remember the subtle alteration in Indian society that eventually led to the death of a spiritually-dominant culture to a materially-dominant culture where in the 21st century a great number of so-called gurus are con-men and the rest are clubbed into the same category out of fear and lack of understanding.

The employer of the company that I used to work in in Bombay, Live Wire!, found his guru a long time ago and I once read a statement of his (not quoted verbatim), "All this (mess/suffering/foolishness) will lead to a more spiritual generation of humanity. All might not learn, but enough will learn and remember not to make such mistakes again." That was the import of what that guru had said. I do not even remember the year when I came across this, but I know I treated it utter scorn.

"Yeah, right!" about sums up my reaction. I saw no hope for this doomed species who seemed extremely bright at coming up with new ways of strangling itself to death.

And yet, it is happening. The west is becoming increasingly curious (albeit misled, they are still trying to use spirituality as a means of physical well-being) about spirituality and what it entails. Even in India, despite all the con jobs, curse them, a healthy portion of the population is striving to look beyond the material.

The odd thing is that only the very poor or the very rich seem to be attracted by it. What we call the "middle class" toddles along, surviving day-to-day. It is as if something is giving a signal that unless you experience at least one end of the extreme swing of the pendulum, the true need will not arise.

It is food for thought that why do only the extremes choose to look inward? Why not everyone. Has survival become the only reason for living in this temporary state. Is that how we have structured our society?

I cannot believe that. Not anymore. I think this disparity is needed so that all of humanity can mature to an extent that we suffer enough of past transgressions and arrive at a balance where there is room for everyone and create a world where those out of balance can be helped to find their balance.

The pendulum will never stop swinging. We will always be between two extremes, but enlightenment means (among other things) to find the balance. There will always be disturbances, distractions, negative actions, thoughts, and feelings, but what if the world is being run by those who can see beyond all that and knee-jerk useless reactions and focus on instant gratification of the ego and be willing to sacrifice themselves for the overall good.

Actually, there is no "overall" good. That is just bullshit. If the whole world benefits, it is not possible that you will not benefit. But we like to think of a "overall" good because it makes our ego feel like god.

There are many pendulums; personal, social, economical, religious, belief, etc. They have been swinging for a ridiculously long time. We swing between extremes. Today this, tomorrow that.

It is time to find a balance. Extremes are no good. As long as the pendulum swings both ways, we as a species will always be divided. We cannot stop it from swinging. That is not in our power. But we can create a situation where a few extremes do not harm anyone, including those doing the swinging.

Awareness is the key. There is only one control. Personal control. Everything outside the body and mind and emotions, is not in control. Anyone can seize control of it for any number of reasons because the pendulum will not stop swinging. Swinging is not the pendulum's fault, that is its function. It only swings to let us know that we need balance, that the true essence of what we are is at the point where the pendulum crosses fastest, perpendicular to the earth, on either side of that it can only slow down.

So let the pendulum swing, but at the apex of its movement, seize that power, and transform. That is where the true power lies. That is where the pendulum has the most impact.

Everywhere else, it is only receding, merely to fall back and move in the opposite direction, over and over.

P.S. There are many meanings to the phrase "A pendulum swings both ways." The above is my limited interpretation.

Distress

This once happened. A man was wrongly accused of a particular crime, and the king gave him a death sentence. He was to be executed next day morning. So when he was brought before the king, the man said, “O King, if you give me a year’s time, I can teach your horse to fly.” The king said, “This better be true, otherwise you will be executed by being crushed under the feet of an elephant. The man said, “Ok. Give me your horse and a year’s time; I will teach it how to fly.” He was given the time. He took the horse and went home. His wife was very distressed: “What did you do? How are you going to teach this horse to fly? What kind of horse ever fly?” The man said, “It’s one year. In a year’s time, the king may die. Or I may die naturally. Or the horse may die. Or, who knows, the horse may fly!”

The existing situations need not decide what happens tomorrow. Existing situations can be a guide, but never a cap, never a decision on what happens tomorrow. Distress and stress is coming because people are projecting the existing situations into the future.

-- Sadhguru